What she sees
by donquichotte
Summary: Lily watches and is curious. One-sided slash. Rated for language.


Not mine.

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She sees the way they can talk without uttering a word, how, barely even looking at each other, they move in synchrony. She sees the way they lie together in the Common Room; Remus always seems to have his head in Sirius' lap as they doze in front of the fire, or to lean on Sirius' shoulder as they half-listen to James' stories, or to curl up against Sirius' side with a book in his hands. She sees the hugs and the arms draped around shoulders. And she's curious.

So she starts to hint subtly at their relationship, finds excuses to watch them and comes to see a sort of dynamic in their interactions. After weeks of observation, Lily decides an intervention is in order.

Sirius corners her after her (failed) meddling, and he's absolutely furious. Never, not once in seven years, has she seen this look on his face. It transcends anger, and imbues him with a sort of desperate fury-fear.

"What the _fuck _do you think you're doing?"

Stunned, she presses her back into the wall to get as far away from him as possible.

"I – I don't – "

"Like hell!" Like a snake he jerks forward, as if attacking, and hisses in a terrifying whisper,"You may be the love of James' life, but I swear that if you interfere _at all_ with what's between Remus and me, I will make you regret it. I'll–"

"I was just trying to help!" Hating the petulant edge to her voice, Lily continues more calmly, "I mean, the two of you are so obviously in love with each other that..."

She trails off as he turns from her, all anger drained, dejection in every line of his body.

"No." It's a hoarse whisper, "No, Moony doesn't fall in love."

She hears what he doesn't say.

"But you both act like you're –"

He cuts her off fiercely, "You think I don't know that? You think I don't pretend, sometimes, that we are? But the way he acts, it's just how Remus _is_. He's always been touchy-feely and we've always understood each other so damn well and somehow it all just changed for me. I know that he loves me more than anything in the world; he's just not _in_ love with me. And in some ways that's even worse, because he would do anything for me, you know, and if he knew what I wanted, he'd offer it, to try and make me happy." Sirius looks ill at the thought. "And I don't... I wouldn't...."

She stares at him, because she never expected to have any kind of heart-to-heart with _Black_, of all people, and he looks worse than she's ever seen him. She thinks he must really be in love, because this scared, uncertain teenager doesn't match at all with the cocky prankster everyone sees.

He continues, though, "It really isn't about sex, though. I mean, I won't say I'm not attracted to him...." he swallows, "But it's more about being close to him and _knowing_ him. We have that, and I almost threw it away once, and I couldn't stand to lose him for real, and if he knew; I _would._ And then I would break into a million pieces."

Looking at his face, the features animated with desperation, the eyes wild and fearful, she sees the fragility that only his friends have ever seen, the lonely child who lives for love and affection and who may very well break if mistreated. Not quite sure how to apologise or how to promise, she offers,"He's blind not to notice."

This time it is he who understands the unsaid.

"Thank you."

She still isn't quite satisfied, even when both James and Peter second Black's analysis of the situation.

So she continues watching, and notices anew the cycle that everyone seems to have gotten used to without curiosity; Remus is tense and snappish for a couple days and his friends are tense with nerves and repressed excitement and then Remus is pale(r) and (more) sickly for a few days while his friends practically sleep though class and then everything is normal until next month. She has her suspicions about Remus, but can't figure out where the other Marauders fit in, especially as the full moon night is the only night when she and James do not spend the evening curled up in the Common Room. Often the next morning, they will be injured; Sirius might have a slight limp and James a scratch on the face that they both laugh off with ridiculous stories of adventures and accidents.

She confronts them after a couple months of this and James, for the first time, refuses her something; he just looks at her blankly and changes the subject. The next time she asks, both Remus and Sirius are in the room. As James ignores her question, she catches the exchange between the other two boys: a raised brow, a slight nod, a flick of the eyes, a tiny shrug, and they have had a conversation. It's Black's voice that interrupts her thoughts.

"You're right about Remus, but, you know, don't spread it around. As for the rest...Prongs?"

James looks up with a relieved expression and Lily feels warmed that he hated the secrecy as much as she did. Her boyfriend nods and turns to Peter.

"'Tail?"

The oft-ignored boy nods, too, smiling widely.

"We run with Moony on his... bad nights. As animals."

She is horror-struck, at first, by the risks involved and then filled with admiration for their friendship and then –

"You're _Animagi_?!"

"Quiet! Don't spread that around, either; it's not exactly legal."

Her mouth hanging open, she stares at the four of them for a moment and whispers,

"That's possibly the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

James, Peter and Sirius look mildly revolted at being called 'sweet', but Remus nods, smiling, and hugs Sirius tightly mumbling,

"I don't thank you enough. All of you."

Lily's heart hurts for Sirius, but she sees the glowing expression on the dark-haired boy's face, an expression that, despite its happy-painful quality, isn't sad. Sirius inhales deeply before choking out,

"We love you Moony; you're better when we're with you, and that's all the thanks we need."

Sirius corners her alone again later, and snarls,

"If you ever say anything that makes him uncomfortable, or if word of it gets out, I _will_ hurt you."

He whirls around and strides off before she can respond.


End file.
